The Tammy Show
by Lia Ex Machina
Summary: Lia and Les kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters and FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HORRIBLE SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA! *chokes* Sandry...next...idea...Hika's...
1. Alanna, Daughter of the Shang Dancing Be...

The Tammy Show  
  
By Lia of Hill Fort  
  
Disclaimer: Three things I don't own: Alanna, who Tamora Pierce owns, the Tortall books, which Tamora Pierce also owns, and Les, who Owns herself. I don't own the IDEA either, which belongs to Hikaness!  
  
Lia: Hello and welcome to the TAMMY SHOW! I'm Lia!  
  
Les: I'm Les and I AM NOT a guy! I'm FEMALE!  
  
Lia: Today's guest is Sir Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau, formerly of Trebond and Olau!  
  
(Alanna walks onto stage, brandishing her sword)  
  
Lia: Oops, forgot the sword. ( Snaps fingers, and the sword disappears)  
  
Alanna: What the CENSORED CENSORED?!!!  
  
Les: (Grins evilly) Language, dearie.  
  
Lia: We've kidnapped you to showcase for the enjoyment of strangers.  
  
Les: Well, not exactly strangers.  
  
Lia: Actually, all of them have read about you. A woman called Tamora Pierce has written four books about you.  
  
Alanna: (Waves sword) I'll get this "Tamora Pierce"!  
  
Lia: No, you won't. (Snaps fingers again. The chains from ITHOTG appear around Alanna) We're going to ask you questions.  
  
Les: Our first question is .why does Coram have such a thing about dancing bears?  
  
Alanna: (grimaces) You don't want to know the truth.  
  
Lia: Tell us.  
  
Alanna: It's because. he IS a dancing bear!  
  
Les and Lia: (gasp)  
  
Lia: That was strange. Question 2: Why did you EVER go with Liam?  
  
Les: And don't tell us he was a dancing bear.  
  
Alanna: Dancing bears have played a big role in my life. my mother was the Shang Dancing Bear.  
  
Lia: Shang Bear, Shang Dancing Bear. I see a connection!  
  
Les: Answer the question already!  
  
Alanna: The reason was. I wanted his eyes!  
  
Lia: You wanted his EYES?  
  
Alanna: Who wouldn't want color-changing eyes?  
  
Les: Who wouldn't want PURPLE eyes?  
  
Alanna: Me.  
  
Lia: Ooookay. question three. If I call you 'Lanna, will you turn me into mincemeat?  
  
Alanna: (Grabs for non-existent sword) Nobody except Thom was EVER allowed to call me that!  
  
Les: Answers our question very nicely. Question four: (pulls out a copy of ITHOTG) Would you EVER wear a skirt that short?  
  
Alanna: I DON'T look like that. no.  
  
Lia: Our last question. Maude is really, really, old now, so why are you making her work?  
  
Alanna: Because the Goddess told me to.  
  
Lia and Les: WHAT?  
  
Alanna: (sighs) The Threefold Goddess (read Emperor Mage and find out) in Her aspect as the Great Mother, told me to keep Maude working. Do I need to spell it out any more?  
  
Les: Did you look at her holding your ember-stone?  
  
Alanna: Yes, and something really weird happened.  
  
Lia: What?  
  
Alanna: I saw, printed around her, the phrase "I am an old lady. I am a healer. I am not Mr. Rogers preincarnate. Actually, I am. This message was sponsored by The Color Red." Can I go now?  
  
Lia: Sure. (Snaps fingers and the chains fall off and Alanna has her sword back.)  
  
(Alanna runs off the stage)  
  
Les: That was strange, and this is the end of our show!  
  
Lia: Bye-bye!  
  
Les and Lia: And don't forget to review!  
  
  
  
Author's Note: That was odd. Our next guest is Kel, so send me questions, suggestions, and REVIEWS! Les is based on a real-life friend of mine, who does get mistaken for a guy a lot.  
  
Goodbye, everybody, and don't forget to REVIEW! 


	2. Presenting Keladry of Mindelan and Her M...

First, introducing the MAGIC DISCLAIMER!  
  
Disclaimer: There are many things I don't own! Here are some of them: Keladry of Mindelan, Leslie AKA Les, and Tortall and anything and anyone in it! Tamora Pierce owns Kel and Tortall, and Lesl owns herself! I don't even own the idea, Hikaness does.  
  
Author's Note: One review? ONE?!! Punkpixie87 is so special for reviewing when NOBODY ELSE did that she gets a cameo! Come on, people, I NEED reviews! I feed on them! Send me questions, because I NEED them! I'm thinking of changing this to "The Dog and Pony Show". Tell me what you think of that! REVIEW!  
  
The Tammy Show  
  
Lia: Hello!  
  
Les: Hi!  
  
Lia: Our guest today is the first lady knight since... um... our last guest! Ladies and gentleman, please welcome KELADRY OF MINDELAN!  
  
(Audience claps)  
  
(Kel comes onstage, wearing her armor, holding a sword, and leading Peachblossom)  
  
Kel: (leads Peachblossom over to Les, who hasn't read POTS)  
  
Lia: (painting her nails) That horse bites.  
  
Les: (snaps her fingers and Peachblossom, Kel's armor, and her sword disappear)  
  
Kel: Where am I, who are you, and what are you doing?!?!!  
  
Lia: (without looking up) The set of "The Tammy Show". Explaining ridiculously simple things to you.  
  
Les: Here's punkpixie87 with our first question!  
  
Punkpixie87: (jumping up and down) Why do you get all the cool Yamani stuff?  
  
Kel: (Very slowly) I ... get... it... because... I... am... an... honorary... Yamani.  
  
(Punkpixie87 runs off the stage)  
  
Les: Next, did you ever have to run up and down a mountain in the rain?  
  
Kel: No. I would have if I'd trained there, though.  
  
Lia: (trying not to laugh) I just saw that... do you know how STUPID you with a little string bow under your chin?  
  
Kel: *gloomy* Yes. This is the only kind of shirt I can get that's not all frilly...  
  
Les: (looks at paper that has *miraculously* appeared in her hand) Lia, do I REALLY have to say this?  
  
Lia: Yup.  
  
Les: (really fast) HaveyoueverseenNealindrag?  
  
Kel: WHAT?  
  
Les: Have you ever seen Neal in drag?  
  
Kel: What the **** is drag?  
  
Les: (uses puppy-dog eyes on Lia)  
  
Lia: You suck at those. But since you're so *pathetic* , I'll be nice.  
  
Lia: Drag is when a guy wears a woman's clothes.  
  
Kel: Aaah... I see. Yes.  
  
Les: (interested) When?  
  
Kel: It was at the mage's party! I looked through a *magical* peephole. It was so funny! Numair cast something as a joke to switch everybody's clothes, but he ended up in Alanna's and she's nine inches shorter than him...  
  
Lia: Last question... What do you think of people who think you should get with Joren?  
  
Kel: They're CRAZY. He's dead and I hated him when he was alive! (runs off to be sick)  
  
Les: Good thing to end on... Our next guest is Thayet! SEND US QUESTIONS!  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's Note: That's right, Thayet is on next! I like ellipses... :). Tommorow is my first day of school and I'm sad, so make me happy with QUESTIONS for Thayet. I like her, but I don't care of you do. Flames will be used to make toasted cheese!  
  
PS: Read LunaDea's The Valdemar Show. It's at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=840253. Or you can just find it in my profile under Favorite Stories. They gave me a Valdemar Badge of Honor and some urple paint! (Lia paints you urple). REVIEW! 


	3. Thayet, the Pink Tissue Dress, and the V...

Disclaimer: I don't own these spiffy things:

Lesl ('cause she owns HERSELF!)

Thayet ('cause TAMORA PIERCE, GODDESS OF FANTASY, owns her!)

This entire "The ___ Show" concept ('cause HIKANESS owns that!)

Author's Note: I went and read TPS, the spiffy LOTR fic on which this is based. I ate lots of salt. I read TPS again. Salt does to me what sugar probably does to you. As a consequence, this is m------uch more like TPS and le other hyper shows. Sorry if I slip into French; my spell check will like it and skip over. Lesl is more like the real-life Lesl now. Merci, ThePenMage, charlotte, Galadriel Greenleaf, water lily, Bobo, Karana, and QueenoftheRogue. You are UBER-SPIFFY! Yes, PenMage, you may spin off, but you must credit Hika and me, and I would be _very_ happy if you linked to this or TPS. PL-------EASE don't review for questions; e-mail them to me at lia_s@cox.net. We have a THEME SONG now! I really do have a (music) stand, and it does frequently fall down.

The Tammy Show

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

-------------------------------------------------

Lia: Today on the Tammy show we have *melodramatic pause*

Both: THAYET!

Lia: We're going to be very, very nice to her,

Both: BECAUSE EVERYONE HERE HATES HER!

Les: Including me!

Lia: WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO YOU?

Les: What did Faleron ever do to you?

Lia: *starts listing things, real and (mostly) imagined, that Faleron has done to her*

Les: (five minutes later) CAN WE HAVE THE GUEST, PLEASE?

Lia: *finishing* and 437th, he helped write Anne of Green Gables!

(Large and burly men drag Thayet in)

Thayet: ALANNA TOLD ME ABOUT THIS!

Les: Really? Didn't we wipe her memory?

Lia: Yes, but FALERON reversed it!

Les: *groan*

Lia: …All right. Thayet, even though you know, guess where you are.

Thayet: Umm…

Les: Humor the crazy person.

Lia: JE SUIS LE ROI!

Thayet: …A tapestry?

Lia: No, it's the TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA *chokes*

Les: A-----nyways, Karana feels the NEED to know why "you ruined that lovely, /expensive/ pink tissue dress when it would have taken you five minutes to change and you could have ridden fast enough to make up for it".

Lia: I always wondered…

Thayet: It was so that I could talk to the SPIRIT OF VANILLA-FLAVORED LOLLYPOP-LICKING GREEN FROGS!

Les: That was random.

Lia: You're one to talk.

Les: Je Suis!

Lia: How is that related to the question?

Thayet: *blinks* It answers it…

Les: Moving on… QueenoftheRogue uses lots of Internet slang to ask why your hair is black.

Lia: BLACK IS SPIFFY!

Les: Yes, I remember how black is spiffy and how when you write professionally you'll call yourself Jana Larkspur. DO NOT remind me of safety duty.

Thayet: …because it is? 

Lia: She also asks why having a big nose "adds to your beauty".

Thayet: It doesn't! It means that I need something to finger. *Fingers nose*

Les: Lia! She looks like you would if you were a black-haired supermodel who had never broken her nose!

Lia: *fingers her nose*

Thayet: *STILL fingering nose* Hey! My nose fingering is TRADEMARKED!

Lia: I'm all-powerful, and JE FAIRE NE CARE!

Les: Oookay. QotR also asks why you didn't end up with Liam.

Lia: She also says that she thinks Alanna and Jonathan should be together.

(Both Ls glare at QotR; they are A/G shippers)

Thayet: EEW! LIAM! NOOOOO! WHAT?!! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

Lia: Go Thayet!

Lia: Bobo asks where you get your bows.

Thayet: I get them at Bows "R" Us, run by VERALIDAINE SARRASRI! Bows "R" Us only stocks the finest quality bows!

Les:...How much did Daine pay you to say that?

Thayet: Four crowns.

Lia: Somebody's selling out…

Les: Water lily asks … Lia, I always get the embarrassing questions. You're rigging this.

Lia: I am. You still have to ask it. 

Les: Water lily asks why you're always with Buri.

Thayet: I'm always with her because she is spiffy. I'm trying to get some of the spiffiness on me.

Lia:…Water lily also asks if you have a (amorous) relationship with Buri. Bye bye PG rating…

Thayet: GREAT MOTHER, NO! I AM FIRMLY HETEROSEXUAL! GODS, I'VE GOT FIVE KIDS!

Les: In other words, yes?

Thayet: I. AM. NOT. A. LESBIAN!

Lia: Not according to La Cornielle!

Thayet: …La Cornielle?

Lia: She says you are what you just denied being.

Thayet: …

Les: Time for Ms. Embarrass number two... charlotte asks if Jon is a good kisser.

Thayet: YES! I AM HETEROSEXUAL! EXTREMELY SO!

Lia: ThePenMage gets a cameo for being 10th reviewer. PenMage?

ThePenMage: *comes running on* THAYET! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY IN THE MORNING? 

Lia: PENMAGE! Here's a movable asbestos wall and an asbestos suit! THAYET PAYS FOR THEM!

PenMage: SQUEE! *runs off*

Thayet: *calculating on fingers* About two hours. Less than it takes Jon.

Les: Then you've broken one of Lia's Rules!

Thayet: Which is…

Lia: THIS one is to never go out with a guy who cares more about how he looks than you care about how you look. There are about thirty of my Rules. THEY ARE SPIFFY!

Les: Finally, PenMage also FEELS THE URGE to ask who chose Jasson's name, and why.

Thayet: Jon did. It was Jon's grandfather's name.

Lia: Do you realize you have one kid named after your relatives and three after his?

Thayet: Yes. I don't like thinking about my relatives.

Lia: Speaking of relatives and Jon, our next guest is… JONATHAN OF CONTÉ!

-------------------------------------

Our next guest is indeed Jon. After that is Kalasin, AKA Kally. Please e-mail, not review if you have questions; don't forget to leave a non-character question review behind as well. Remember, I FEED ON REVIEWS! Every tenth gets a cameo! 

--Lia


	4. Jon Loves CandyCoated Popcorn!

Disclaimer: I don't own these BEAUTEOUS things:

Lesl (she belongs to herself, go her!)

Jon (he belongs to Tammy, go her!)

The (whatever) show idea (it belongs to Hikaness, go her!)

Author's Note: Thank you Drowning Rooster, LadyKnight, Cami of Queenscove, Tonitrus, Dyana-of-Tortall, NutsKelwithaspoon (who didn't review, but added me to her favorites list), Chopstix*, Nile Serpent, thumpet, Kalika, and PenMage (who e-mailed with a question). PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS WITH EMAIL! I WANT TO STAY ON FF.N! Speaking of FF.N, they have become increasingly evil. This will go on SoupFiction.net as soon as they get back up and I get an account. It will stay on FF.N, though, so don't worry. It may also run from my site, which is being re-designed. On question and cameos, every tenth reviewer gets one (cameo). If you email me, than your question/s alwa-----ys get asked (until I get so many messages I get woken up by the little email ring). If you review, they might get asked (it depends on how many I get, and how good they are). Flames welcome, as are nice reviews. Now, ON TO THE SHOW!

---------------------------------

The Tammy Show

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

Its name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

It likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall of the rim! Rim! Rim!

-----------------------------------------

Lia: Hello and welcome to the TAMMY SHOW!

Les: Our guest today is…

Both: KING SIR JONATHAN 

Lia: NOT Jonathon!

Both: OF CONTÉ!

(Random people drag Jon in)

Lia: DIE!

Les: (watching with interest) Why do you hate all the hot guys?

Lia: Because. Les, you're black belt, help me get this…knight-y person…off my leg.

Les: (detaches him) 

Jonathan: Where am I?

Lia: Goddess, I love that. Les?

Les: It's the TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA! *chokes*

Lia: Our first question comes from Cami of Queenscove! She asks first why you slept with Josaine. 

Les: I wondered about that...

Jon: Because she had a CHIQUITA BANANA! CHIQUITA BANANAS UNITE! 

Both:…

Les: Then she asks what the measure of line AB in triangle ABC is if the measure of angle C is 65 degrees and the measure of line BC is 13 degrees, and that you should use the tangent to find out.

Jon: I have NO idea what you're talking about.

Lia: I don't blame you. Our next question, which makes me glad this is already PG13, is whether you have ever had "erm…sexual relations with either Gary or Roger".

Les: What's with all this slash?

Lia: I really don't know.

Jon: MITHROS, NO! I AM HETEROSEXUAL! I'VE GOT FIVE KIDS!

Les: Not according to The Mouth of Sauron…

Lia: That was comedy. This happened last episode, didn't it.

Les: Yes. (she continues to watch Jon's hysterics)

Les: Jon, calm down.

Jon: Straight…straight…straight

Lia: *all-powerful voice* SNAP OUT OF IT!

Jon: Yes?

Les: Cami of Queenscove's final question is "did you have a hidden motive when you allowed Wyldon to put Kel on probation? *suggestive look* "

Jon: NO! I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO WYLDON! 

Lia: *whisper* Yes, you are. 

Jon: NO!

Les: Li------a…

Lia: Nile Serpent asks in a G-rated way why you let Wyldon put Kel on probation.

Jon: So I could buy four tons of candy-coated popcorn for every person in Tortall.

Lia: CANDY-COATED POPCORN! YAY!

Jon: I love candy-coated popcorn! It's the national popcorn of Tortall!

Les: CANDY-COATED POPCORN!

Les: Thumpet asks who does your hair.

Jon: Why, who but Pablo, of Pablo's House of Hair and Candy-Coated Popcorn.

Lia: *rolls eyes* Who ACTUALLY does it?

Jon: Stefan Groomsman. His stage name is Pablo for his haircut and popcorn place.

Lia: MOVING ON…thumpet also asks if you believe in corporal punishment.

Jon: Only in the form of making people eat candy-coated popcorn.

Les: THAT'S not a punishment…

Les: She asks thirdly why you are such a MCP (male chauvinist pig).

Jon: So I can be a were-pig and sneak into candy-coated popcorn warehouses.

Both:…

Lia: O--kay… thumpet's final question, repeated twice, is why you are so vain.

Jon: I'm not vain! (takes out mirror and looks at himself) Mr. Tortall, here I come…

Lia: And pigs fly in the beautiful green sky.

Jon: They do!

Les: Our next question comes from Kalika.

Lia: I need a psychologist? I think you mean psychiatrist… thank you anyway.

Les: As I was saying, Kalika asks why you are such a prig.

Jon: Because it sounds like "pig" and helps me be a were-pig!

Lia: Chopstix* was our twentieth reviewer. Chopstix*?

Chopstix*: (runs on) LI----A! LE-----S! 

Les: You get…a scrunchie with a picture of ANY TORTALL OR EMELAN CHARACTER YOU WANT printed on it! Just say "candy-coated popcorn" and it will appear! (gives her scrunchie)

Chopstix*: YAY! (runs off)

Les: Our next seven questions come from ThePenMage. 1) WHY were you acting like such a jerk in TWWRLAM?

Jon: I hadn't had candy-coated popcorn in FOUR DAYS!

Both: M-hmm. SO likely.

Lia: 2) Do you still have feelings for Alanna?

Jon: No, I was only into her for the free illicit candy-coated popcorn smuggled from Trebond.

Les: 3) How many women have you had affairs with?

Jon: *on fingers* Let's see… twelve candy-coated popcorn dealers, Alanna, Delia, Josaine, Eleni, 

Lia: ELENI? 

Jon: Yup. On Beltane- she was a priestess, and they have to, ah, *give* themselves to one guy on Beltane- Maura

Les: MAURA?

Jon: Candy-coated popcorn from Dunlath. And Maude. Candy-coated popcorn from Pirate's Swoop. Seventeen and Thayet makes eighteen.

Lia: Whoa… 4) Since you know women can be fighters, why did you allow Kel to be on probation?

Jon: I told you… candy-coated popcorn!

Les: 5) What is the longest word you can type using only the first row of keys on a keyboard?

Jon: Typewriter. 

Lia: That is, if the "first" row is the QWERTY row. 6) Why do you have four children? Do you want more?

Jon: I don't. I have five: Roald, Kalasin, Lianne, Liam, and Jasson. NO, I don't! I just implemented a new law that says all children from speaking age to eight must have their lips mage-sealed shut. I HATE LITTLE CHILDREN!

Les: Lia does too!

Lia: Yes, I do. Seal 'em!

Les: Finally, 7) Go jump in a lake!

Jon: Okay! *sprints out of shower-curtain tent and jumps in the nearest lake*

Lia: That's all for now, folks! *to Les* Let's get some candy-coated popcorn!

--------------------------------------------

Ah… I love candy-coated. Next guest is Kalasin! Get those questions in!

--Lia


	5. Kalasin's Post It and Chinchilla Fetish

Disclaimer: I own not these things:

Kalasin (for Tamora Pierce the owner of her be)

Les (for herself the owner of her be)

The ____ Show idea (for Hikaness the owner of that be)

Beauteous, UBER-SPIFFY Reviewers: Lord of the Rings luver, punkpixie87, The Shang Tigress, spiffycat, Drowning Rooster, Nile Serpent, Arctic Princess, Hayden's Super Hobbit, LadyKnight, Lady Alehanra a.k.a. Medusagrrl, Eve Eastborne, and, last but by no means least, ThePenMage! Je vous aime! 

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent…it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

--------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall of the rim! Rim! Rim!

--------------------------------------

THE TAMMY SHOW

Lia: Hello----o and welcome to The Tammy Show!

Les: Today we have a VERY SPECIAL-

Lia: *whisper* Not special like _that_.

Les: *glares at her* GUEST! Welcome, one and all, 

Both: KALASIN OF CONTÉ!

(Random large and burly men drag Kalasin on)

Kalasin: OH, GODDESS! 

Les: Hello, Spineless One. Would you like some spine?

Lia: (to camera) um…Kally is not Les' favorite.

(Les has dragged in a piece of cardboard with THE SPINE STORE- HALF PRICE FOR CONTÉS written on it)

Les: No. She is NOT. 

(Les hands Kally an artificial spine) 

Les: Guard this with your very life!

(Kally thinks it's a necklace and wears it as such)

Lia: Where are you?

Kalasin: …a bakery?

Les: NO, it's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Ls: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HORRIBLE SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Lia: Anyhoo, our first question is from punkpixie87. Could you kill your dad and make it look like an accident?

Kalasin: YES… once I get my Post-It Flag Dispenser Secret Order of Fatal Combat booklet in the mail!

Lia: POST-IT?

Les: Well, they're really annoying to find lying about…

Les: The Shang Tigris, but I think she means Tigress, asks why you didn't become a lady knight, or a Rider, or a Shang.

Kalasin: So I could become a Holy Priestess of the Post-It Craft. Also, Dad wouldn't LET me, Mum screens the Riders, and Shang doesn't take nobles.

Lia: Drowning Rooster's gaggle of questions has "Do you worship Alanna like Kel does? (I.e., are you straight or not?)"

Kalasin: No, I worship Post-Its. No, I am straight. 

Les: Your parents had a…thing about that.

Kalasin: *nods* Ever since Lianne, they've been a tad homophobic. 

Lia: LIANNE is a lesbian?

Kalasin: M-hmm. Her and Lalasa freaked them out. So did Tian, come to think of it.

Les: Wells. Numere deux is "How long are your toenails?"

Kalasin: About four inches. You have to grow them long to put Post-Its on.

Lia: O--okay. Do you have brain damage?

Kalasin: *drooling* No.

Les: What's it like to have your lips mage-sealed shut?

Kalasin: Oh, they only get maintained until you stop signing stupid things. I got the seals off mine, what, three, four years ago. 

Lia: Have you ever tried to get someone to mage-seal Jon's lips shut?

Kalasin: No. They won't seal anyone over 17. The law said that if you haven't stopped signing stupid stuff by then, you never will. After 17, if the seals are still on you get executed.

Les: How would you feel if your teddy was flushed down the toilet?

Kalasin: Is it my Post-It teddy?

Les: No.

Kalasin: I wouldn't care.

Lia: Do you write yourself all your Valentine cards?

Les: Ah, Valentines. "I CAN find a better friend than you."

Lia: She DESERVED IT!

Les: (Snigger)

Kalasin: I have NO IDEA what Valentine is. No.

Les: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks why you're Jon and Thayet's daughter.

Kalasin: You can't choose your parents.

All: Unfortunately.

Lia: Lady Alehanra a.k.a. Medusagrrl asks if "u have ne wierd habits".

Les: I think she means "you have any weird habits".

Kalasin: None, besides eating tortilla chips with marmalade.

Lia: I do that all the time!

Les: She also asks if you are obsessed or posessed by any unusual farm animals.

Kalasin: Yes. Chinchillas.

Lia: (raised eyebrows) Eve Eastborne asks if you ever like to play with fire.

Kalasin: I like to play with Post-Its that are on fire.

Les: Fiire…

Lia: Ignore Pyro Les.

Les: Eve Eastborne also wants to know if you have voices in your head.

Kalasin: No. I have flautists.

Lia: I LOVE THAT WORD! FLAUTIST!

Lia: LadyKnight asks what your opinions on sex before marriage are. No, she isn't married to Kaddar; Thayet wouldn't let her.

Kalasin: Sex with Post-Its and chinchillas before marriage is fine. People, no.

Les: ThePenMage asks…1) What kind of parents are Jon and Thayet?

Kalasin: Parents who would actually make soup out of carpet fuzz and make you bathe in it if they thought it would make you more like them.  


Lia: 2) Have you ever caught your dad and Alanna in a room… erm… together?

Kalasin: No. They had a disagreement over the rather high price on the candy-coated popcorn she was selling right before I was born.

Les: 3) How many affairs have you had?

Kalasin: None. I am a pure Priestess of Post-Its.

Lia: 4) What's your worst secret? (C'mon, you can tell us)

Kalasin: When I was eight…and I found a pair of scissors…and I dyed them green…and I cut out a tiny bit of my ear.

Les: 5) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Kalasin: NONE! I WOULD COVER IT IN POST-ITS AND CHERISH IT!

Lia: My. 6) How do you feel about not being a knight?

Kalasin: I don't really care. Knights can't collect Post-Its, after all.

Les: 7) How do you feel about the probable marriage your father has for you? (Kick  
Jon's butt! Kick Jon's butt!)

Kalasin: He can't marry me off, because I'm already married to a chinchilla-Post-It cross!

Lia: 8) Are you getting sick of my questions yet?

Kalasin: Yes.

Les: 9) Go review my fic, Lighting a Path.

Kalasin: Okay! (Sprints out of shower-curtain tent to fanfic-land)

Les: Finally…

Lia: *evil grin* I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, EVERYBODY'S nerves…

Les: Please no…

-----------------------------------

O----okay. Next guest is NEAL! That's right, NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE! EMAIL THOSE QUESTIONS!

I'm now on http://www.soupfiction.net, under the name Lia!

--Lia

  
  



	6. Neal Remembers: Mavis, Grapefruit, and N...

Author's Note: Bonjour, mon yodelers! That's right, yodel is an untranslatable word! WHEE! I'VE GOT ½ A TABLESPOON OF SALT IN ME! Maybe I'll do a PRINCESS DIARIES one of these… y'know, I think I will. I get the y-book camera tomorrow for the WHOLE DAY to INTERVIEW PEOPLE! WHEE! AND I MADE WAFFLE SALAD!

*calms down*

Queens (I'm assuming you're all female) of Reviewers: Lord of the Rings luver (I DID put you in last time), Silver dragon, spiffycat, Qui-ti, Darken Celestial (nice name!), Silva Sun, Queen of Fluff, Eve Eastborne, Gochinchillas!!!!, Amethyst Eyes, LadyKnight, Crazy 5000 X and faithstar! 

Disclaimer: Who am I? Not Tamora Pierce. She owns Tortall, lucky her.

Who am I? Not Lesl. She owns herself, lucky her. 

Who am I? Not Hika. She owns TPS, lucky her.

Spiff-a-rific! Lessgo!

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

--------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

--------------------------------------

Lia: EXILE'S HONOR! EXILE'S HONOR! WHEE!

Les: *restrains Lia* Um, not in THIS fandom. *to audience* New book. 

Lia: Today our guest

Les: Knight-y,

Lia: (glare)

Les: Healer-y,

Lia: (whisper) Shut UP!

Les: MAGE-Y DUDE

Lia: I give up. It's… 

Both: SIR NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE!

Lia: _I_ for one…

Les: …am abnormal…

Lia: am not a fangirl.

Les: It's a bloody MIRACLE!

Lia: Don't swear. However, this guest is rather _endowed_ in that area.

Les: *giggles*

Lia: Do you KNOW how creepy it is to see a BLACK BELT giggle?

Les: Yes. *giggles*

Lia: Goddess, give me strength. R.L.B.M., drag him on. 

Random Large Burly Men (RLBM) drag Neal on.

Neal: Once an Austrian when yodeling…

Lia: *sarcastic* Whee. Guess where you are.

Neal:…a mountain so high?

Les: No! It's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS!

Neal: Ah.

Lia: Our first question is from Crazy 5000 X.

Les: Add to the psychiatrist register! Do either Lia or I need a shrink?

Lia: Did you love Kel as a page?

Neal: No. Only yodeling and magical paper clips. ::makes paper clip out of magic::

Les: Are you just dating Yuki to piss Kel off?

Neal: No. ::balancing paper clip on his nose::

Lia: Why do you make out with pillows?

Neal: :: paper clip in mouth:: Bi bon't. :: spits it out:: I don't.

Les: Why did you start so old as a page?

Neal: Mavis, Grapefruit, and Nontle were all killed in the war. Queenscove needs a knight.

Lia: Poor them. Do you like tacky gum?

Neal: I have no idea what it is.

Les: Amethyst Eyes is apparently trés K/N. Why do you want to marry Yuki the Pukie?

Neal: How juvenile. Only single woman I know who's not related to me, stupid, or ugly. She IS philosophical. I AM married to her.

Lia: Sorry, girls. Amethyst Eyes asks if you'll marry her if Yuki dies.

Neal: Since she is probably related to me, no. If she's got _amethyst_ eyes, got to be connected with Alanna, and she's _SCARY_. VERY scary.

Both: Just like me.

Les: Finally, Amethyst Eyes asks for your horse.

Neal: No. She can have a pretzel, though!

Lia: Yum! Eve Eastborne asks if you have a split personality.

Les: _She_ does. Claudette Merle…

Lia: JUST because every weekday at two in the afternoon I refuse to speak English and call myself Claudette Merle, you say I have split personality disorder?

Neal: No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No…

Les: Queen of Fluff

Neal: (hides behind Les, unsuccessfully due to Les being much shorter and thinner than he) HER? NOT "ASK ALANNA"! Painful, I tell you, _painful_!

Lia: I thought it was funny!

Neal: You weren't IN it!

Les: Point. She asks, "Do you know you have the SEXIEST green eyes?"

Neal: Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Lia: "Do you know Kel had a MAJOR crush on you when you were both pages? 6"

Neal: Really? Grapefruit would be _so_ proud…

Les: Finally, she asks if you can send her up Jon, Numair, or both.

Neal: No, the Illegal Hot Tortallans Network cannot send up its major operators. I can (consults mental list) send you Marek Swiftknife. 

Lia: Silva Sun asks if you ever suspected Kel had a crush on you.

Neal: Ah, Grapefruit…

Les:…and if you're cute…

Neal: No, I am on FIRE! Flick paper clips on me and YODEL!

Lia:…and why you left the university…

Neal: I said this already. **MAVIS, GRAPEFRUIT, AND NONTLE!**

Les: …Finally, she shouts *WHY* DID YOU HAVE TO MARRY YUKI?!? YOU COMPLETELY RUINED ANY CHANCE OF ROMANCE FOR KEL!!!! YOU RUINED LADY KNIGHT!

Neal: Kel reminds me of Alanna, who _SCARES_ me. I already said why I married Yuki. What's Lady Knight? I know what _a_ lady knight is, in fact, I know two…

Lia: A book. An extremely excellent book made no less excellent by its lack of romance.

Les: I like Y/N.

Lia: And so do I. We _are_ in a minority, though.

Les: True.

Lia: A----and we have the ending Gaggle of Questions™ from Qui-ti. Les, she is also mistaken for a guy.

Neal: You're _not_ a guy?

Les: :: glare at him:: 

Lia: 1. Why don't you like Joren?

Neal: He ate my Super-ball™.

Les: :: raised eyebrows:: How do you control your emotions?

Neal: :: laughing:: I ::crying:: don't, ::smirking:: that's ::sneering:: Kel ::smiling: and ::snoring:: the ::looking afraid:: Yamanis. 

Lia: 3. Were you a virgin when you came to Corus?

Neal: Yes. :: realizes what that said:: I was _eleven_! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! :: runs around shower-curtain tent screaming::

Les: CALM DOWN! 4. Who do you like better: Daine, Jonathan, Qui-ti, or the Goddess?

Neal: :: strangely calm:: The Goddess, for she is the emblem of perfect womanhood.

Lia: 5. How old is your dad?

Neal: About 70. WHOA! MY DAD IS 70 AND I'M 24! I'LL GO ASK HIM! :: sprints out of shower-curtain tent to ask Baird::

Les: Lia, don't you _dare_.

Lia: Okay! This is the song that never ends…

----------------------------------------

This is turning in to a pattern… Next guest is JOREN! That's right, JOREN OF STONE MOUNTAIN! That's right, the blond. Could be Les's twin, really. SEND in those questions!

--Lia 


	7. Joren the Valley Squire

Author's Note: MWAHAHAHA…*chokes* This one is some good bananas. Or rather pistachios… Yes, it is. Why, yes, it is. I need more salt. GO HERE! http://www.puzzle-piece.com …excellent way to waste time.

Wondrous Reviewing Yodelers:

****

Lady Sandrilene!

****

Kalika!

****

Lady Knight!

****

Cami of Queenscove!

****

Queen of Fluff!

****

Lady Alehanra AKA Medusagrrl!

****

Eve of Mirkwood!

****

Qui-ti!

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! (I presume "Hayden" is Hayden Christensen?)

****

Cheshire cat! (WHEE! LEWIS CARROLL!)

****

Serpent Mage (Numair is scheduled for Episode Nine…You'll find out about Daine soon enough)

****

Lord of the Rings Luver! (I put your name in the reviewer list. I didn't give you a cameo; every 20th reviewer gets a cameo. TM stands for "trademark", but I tend to use it as a joke. No, I will not verbally worship you in my fanfic.) 

A-----AND

****

Green Angel of Tortall!

Disclaimer:

O----------OH! I DON'T OWN TORTALL, BECAUSE TAMORA PIERCE DOES!

O----------OH! I DON'T OWN LES, BECAUSE SHE DOES!

O----------OH! I DON'T OWN "The _______ Show", BECAUSE HIKA DOES!

---------------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

---------------------------------------------

Lia: Today we have a _very_ interesting guest. There is one small problem. I had to tie up Les, so, until our guest comes on, only I will host.

Les: (bound and gagged) Mmph mmph!

Lia: :: ignores her:: It's SQUIRE JOREN OF STONE MOUNTAIN! RLBM!

(RLBM drag Joren on)

Joren: WHERE ON THIS SIDE OF THE ROOF OF THE WORLD AM I?

Les: (her bindings have _magically_ come untied and she is holding a giant "MARRY ME JOREN" sign) JO---------------OREN! I WUV YOU!

Lia: ::sigh:: Guess.

Joren: Insane Fangirl Land?

Lia: Close, but-

Les: MARRY ME, JOREN!

Lia: Goddess. –No cigar. 

Joren: …Cigar?

Lia: Never mind. It's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Lia: Lady Sandrilene wants to know what you saw in the Chamber, besides you losing to girls or being one.

Joren: I can't tell you, but lorem ipsum!

Les: ::drooling and staring vacantly at him: …What?

Joren: Dolor sit amet…so on.

Les: ::drool drool::

Lia: ::surreptitiously pokes Les::

Les: ::drool:: Oh…yeah. Kalika asks why you are such a stud-muffin, but so up yourself.

Joren: Maybe I was _born_ this way…or maybe it's Maybelline. Since I am _not_ "up myself", I don't know.

Lia: Why do you hate Kel so much?

Joren: Because when someone asks her "Are you a SIDHE?" she can look at them and be like "Yes, duh".

Les: ::drool:: She asks also if you bleach your hair.

Joren: No, this is like _totally_ natural!

Lia: *gasp* Joren is a VALLEY SQUIRE!

Les: Don't _say_ such things!

Lia: He is! Cami of Queenscove has seven questions. (1) Do you think that Kel is good in bed? (we all know that you have *something* going on behind closed doors)

Joren: Like, NO! She is _totally_ too serious!

Les: ::drool:: 

Lia: Have a towel.

(Towel manifests)

Les: ::drool on towel:: (2) Did you know that you have the most *amazing* blue eyes I've ever known? *swoons* 

Joren: Why, yes. Yes, I do.

Lia: (3) Do you have multiple personalities?

Joren: Oui! Je suis aussi un francaise!*

*Yes! I am also a Frenchman.

Les: ::drool drool DROOL:: Frenchmen… (4) If you had to choose between sleeping with Cleon or Neal, which would you choose? SAY NEITHER!

Joren: Like, neither! But, if I had to, Cleon. Just to spite Kel.

Lia: They broke up. And I was a sad, sad banana. (5) If you had to choose between sleeping with Garvey or Vinson, which would you choose?  
Joren: Neither. Garvey if I **had** to; he wouldn't remember.

Les: ::drool:: (6) If Kel was the last woman on earth and you were feeling really horny, would you get it on with her?  
Joren: Like, no way! Gag me with a spoon! She is, like, _way_ serious!

Lia: (7) Will you have an affair with Cami when Neal is away?  
Joren: Is she, like, blond? Or serious?

Lia: How should I know?

Joren: Like, no.

Les: ::drool:: Our next reviewer was number sixty, so she gets a cameo! Welcome **Queen of Fluff**!

Joren: HIDE ME!

Lia: I can't handle the scarred Ask Alanna characters much longer…

Queen of Fluff: HI JOREN! How does it feel to be compared to Draco Malfoy, resident hottie of the Harry Potter series? Do you feel intimidated by his stature?  
Joren: Like, no. He's a SHORT pistachio. Annoying.  
QoF: Are you gay?

Joren: Like, _totally_ no!   
QoF: What is your favorite part of a woman?  
Joren: Like, her hands! She can, like, help me do my nails!

QoF: What's your teddy bear's name?  
Joren: Warbling Pistachio.

QoF: Does he have buttons for eyes?  
Joren: Like, gag me with a spoon! He has pistachios!  
QoF: Do you cry when you have to take a bath?  
Joren: Like, no! I LURVE bubble baths!  
QoF: Do you believe that people want you to marry Kel? Or at least love her?  
Joren: It makes me _so_ sad, but…yes.

QoF: Do you like to suck on bananas?  
Joren: YES! YUM!

QoF: Am I annoying you? If so, how?  
Joren: Yes. By talking about other people! Talk about MEEEEE!

QoF: What's with the ponytail? It looked good on Numair, but not you.  
Joren: It's so _stylish_! I hate Numair.  
QoF: Did you know that I hate you and that this is just an ingenious way for me to get even with you for being mean to Kel?

Joren: I thought so…

QoF: ADIOS! ::magically vanishes::

Lia: Lady Alehanra A.K.A. Medusagrrl asks if you like snakes.

Joren: Yes. Spiffarific snakes…

Les: ::drool:: I like snakes too… Eve of Mirkwood asks if you have bi-polar disorder. 

Joren: No. Yes. No. Yes. No…

Lia: Qui-ti asks if you think her trademark "Chlorophyll" farewell is stupid.

Joren: I like chlorophyll!

Les: ::drool:: So do I! Serpent Mage asks why you had to die. WHHHHHHHHY? *sniffle*

Joren: My evil twin Jornen _totally_ killed me!

Lia: …And why you hated Kel so much.

Joren: She, like, stole my pistachios.

Lia: Poor you.

Les: ::drool:: Drowning Rooster asks why you're here, since you're dead. You don't have to run it _in_!

Joren: I was kidnapped from the Realms of the Dead…

Lia: The tent's in an interval plane- not Living, Dead, Chaos, or Gods! It's called The Realms of the Fanwriters!

Joren: Scary.

Les: ::drool:: Why is your fief called Stone Mountain?

Joren: Gag me with a spoon! We have a stone mountain and my ancestors were uncreative!

Lia: How many times did you have plastic surgery?

Joren: Never! It's all-natural, and I'll ask a healer! ::escapes to Baird's::

Les: I'm so sad to see him go…

Lia: Never fear! Lia is here! And she says "Never fear"…

Les: Argh…

----------------------------------------------------------

Poor Joren. Next guest is Daine! That's right, the Wildmage of Tortall herself! Come on down to that little square! EMAIL QUESTIONS! You can review with them, though, but PLE----EASE don't.

--Lia


	8. Daine's January Wedding

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Life interfered. Quick poll- how many of you reading this have ever seen Mystery Science Theater 3000, a.k.a. MST 3K, the source of all MSTs? If you have, **tell me**! In a review, in an email (lia_s@cox.net), I DON'T CARE! I NEED to know! On a semi-related subject, my email address is lia_s@cox.net. If you haven't got email, just ask in the reviews. Don't forget to review too!

*Southern accent*

Reviewin' Soy Chitlins:

****

LadyKnight!

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (I wasn't trying to be mean to valley people. I live in Arizona, and a whole bunch of my family lives in California. Joren is representing ditzy shopaholic girls everywhere. No, I have a (music) stand, his name **is** Tim, and he falls down a lot. Yes, he does "bite" me. Biting music stands are a common problem, actually. That sounded…wrong.)

****

Lady Alehanra a.k.a. Medusagrrl!

****

Lynx wings! (Nice name; Lia speaks "Franglish" (a bizarre cross between French and English), like, oddly enough, me when I'm hyper.)

****

Dyana-of-Tortall! (I can sympathize.)

****

XetherealX! (Now, _that_ is a cool name.)

****

Lord of the Rings Luver! (You were 81. She was 60. C'est la vie. Keep on reviewin'- try Drowning Rooster's idea)

****

Canabalisticdustbunny! (You win the Original Name Contest. Here's your plaque!)

****

Qui-ti! (I have NO idea. Since I've never played Final Fantasy, I can't say.)

Email-in' Soy Chitlins-

****

Queen of Fluff! (I acknowledge the geniuses of my category, in the tradition of Hika. http://hikaness.deep-ice.com/tps/main.htm)

****

DarkDracon0! (Les and I know what it feels like.)

Disclaimin' Soy Chitlins-

Ah don't own Les! She does!

Ah don't own Daine! Tamora Pierce does!

Ah don't own "The ___ Show"! Hikaness does!

----------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

---------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

---------------------------------------

Lia: Today we have a very special guest!

Les: We had to tranquilize all her animals…

Lia:…Including that dude.

Les: *glare* She-----------------'s the WILDMAGE OF TORTALL-

Both: VERALIDAINE SARRASRI!

Lia: ::mumble:: Should be _Salmalín._

Les: Whateva. RLBM!

(RLBM drag Daine in)

Lia: Yo.

Les: Quit the slang. It's lame. Now, Lia-

Lia: All right, Lesl-the-drooling-Joren-stalker. Mrs. Salmalín, I hope you enjoy your flight today. Please place your tray table in the upright and locked position and recline your seat.

Les: LIA!

Lia: ::grumbles:: FINE! Guess where you are.

Daine: …the Realms of the Dead?

Les: NO! It's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Lia: It's the Realms of the Fanwriters. Worse than Gods and Dead by all counts.

Daine: Whateva.

Les: IT'S CONTAGIOUS, LIA! RUN FROM GHETTO SLANG DAINE!

Lia: I like ghetto slang! 

Les: _I_ like hosting. Well, actually, I don't. I like getting this over with.

Daine: When do I get out of here?

Lia: When you finish being kidnapped. Numero uno comes from LadyKnight! Do _you_ have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Daine: No, no, no, no! Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam! Help, help! I'm being repressed! 'Tis but a flesh wound!

Les: MONTY PYTHON!

Lia: Dude. Eve of Mirkwood asks how you can like Numair, since he was 25 when you were 13. Eve, statutory rape doesn't exist in Tortall.

Daine: Ahem, but he was _27_ when I was 13. And he's HOT! And RICH!

Les: Joren is better! Lady Alehanra AKA Medusagrrl asks what is with you and penguins.

Daine: How can you not WUV them? They take walkies around in their widdle tuxes…

Lia: Just like Numy. Also from Medusagrrl- if you had to choose, would you pick penguins or Numair?

Daine: Penguins are cute, but NUMY ALL THE WAY!

Les: You and Lia… Finally, what thing could you not live without?

Daine: ::sugary sweet:: Numair.

XetherealX (in audience): YEAH! YOU GO, DAINE! Wait…Lia doesn't know if I can even tolerate Numair! Or…KICK HIS BUTT! KICK IT!

Lia: Too...much...sweetness…*gags* lynx wings asks if you're evil. I am!

Daine: Of _course_.

Les: As am I. Also from lynx wings: is there any animal you hate?

Daine: Yes. I hate…DUCKS THAT EAT RICE PUDDING!

Lia: O-------okay. Third, do you talk to frying pans?

Daine: All the time.

Les: And finally, have you ever slept with Jonathan?

Daine: No. Why would I want to?

Lia: ladyknight (not LadyKnight) asks what the biggest animal you've ever talked to was. (probably Numair)

Daine: Numy is not an animal, and it was…hmm…an uber-mongoose! 

Les: …What's _that_?

Daine: A mongoose a little bigger than a griffin. _Scary_.

Les: Ah. Queen of Fluff- ::waits for cringe::

Daine: *stares at her*

Lia: …Ask Alanna?

Daine: I don't much remember; I'm in so many fics most of them just get lookalikes.

Les: Ah. Well, she asks when you first started to like Numair.

Daine: I have no idea.

Lia: *whips out The Realms of the Gods* Page 176, chapter "Falling". You say: "I know I love you. Maybe I always have-"

Les: Get a hobby.

Lia: This _is_ my hobby. Queen of Fluff also FEELS THE URGE to know what is between you and the felt tip pen.

Daine: Nothing! Nothing, I _swear_!

Les: Really. DarkDracon0 asks if Numair is any good in bed.

Daine: ::sly grin:: You have _no_ idea.

Lia: And if he's ever had sex with you while you were in animal form. Ew, gross. Get that _out_ of my head.

Daine: NO! It's disgusting and illegal!

Les: I seem to recall that, in your time, _you_ were something of a lawbreaker, as was Numair…Are you ever going to marry Numair and have kids? When?

Daine: Maybe, but NO KIDS! I HATE LITTLE KIDS! ALANNA'S KIDS WERE EXCEPTIONS! In January. I always wanted to get married in January…

Lia: January? Qui-ti asks if, when you were a crazy wolf girl, you ate the bandits you killed.

Daine: No. They tasted bad.

Les: I always thought that…she asks also if sex with Numair is good.

Daine: It's _ex_cellent.

Lia: And finally, Qui-ti asks "Do you ever listen to animals in the mating season for kicks?"

Daine: No, but I'll go do it now! *tears out of shower-curtain tent to Realms of the Fanwriters*

Les: Why does that always happen?

Lia: Just because it does! And you know why it happens? Just because it does! Just because it does! And you know why it happens? Just because it do-

Les: *clamps hand on Lia's mouth* See you later, folks.

-----------------------------------------------------

Perverted people…next guest is NUMAIR! E-mail those questions, but still REVIEW! I FEED ON REVIEWS!

Email is in my bio with the Episode Guide. lia_s@cox.net 

--Lia


	9. Numair, Eater of Slave Chips

Author's Note: ONE HUNDRED! Qui-ti, you rock! Lord of the Rings Luver, as reviewer 99, Giver of Point-Making Paperclips, and Person Who Manages To Annoy Lia Until She Finally Breaks Down, you rock too! Qui-ti, I'm sorry, but the century reviewer is being saved for the *dum de dum* TORTALL SUPER EPISODE! 

Round Castle Reviewers:

****

Not so faerie L! (I LURVE nit-picking- it's my life)

****

Crazy 5000 X! 

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! 

****

Princess-troy!

****

________! (Worship the Python!)

****

LadyKnight! 

****

Lady Alehanra AKA Medusagrrl! (Can I just put you in as Zoë? And can you use less slang?)

****

Qui-ti!

****

Alannalovingwriter! (You love my work? THANK YOU!)

****

Queen of Fluff! (Sorry about not replying to your mass email- I don't **ever** reply to them since one wiped my hard drive.)

****

Angel of the Storms!

****

Eve of Mirkwood!

****

DarkDracon0!

****

Jolie Anderson!

****

Lord of the Rings Luver! (You get a cameo here. #99. Thankies! ::takes clips::)

Disclaiming Round Castles:

I own me! Not Les! Les owns herself!

I own my Tammy books! Not Numair! Tamora Pierce owns him!

I own this fic! Not "The _____ Show"! Hikaness owns that!

----------------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

----------------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

----------------------------------------------

Les: Hello and welcome to THE TAMMY SHOW! Our guest today is ::breaks off:: Lia, not _again_. Why all the heavy-fangirl guests? 

Lia: Good for ratings. Now WELCOME him and get the RLBM!

Both: (with Les grumbling) MASTER NUMAIR SALMALÍN!

Lia: Pretty acute…

Les: I'M the blonde. RLBM!

Lia: You're not a bubble blonde. I'm a bubble brunet. And where are the RLBM?

Les: Hmmm… let me see.

(Numair comes wobbling into the tent, Gift flaring around his hands)

Numair: Where am I, who are you, and what have you done with Daine?

Lia: You're in THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA… *chokes*

Les: I'm Les, she's Lia, nothing.

Lia: Crazy 5000 X asks who the first woman you slept with was.

Numair: Lilane Magic-Glowing-Cow. She had a magic glowing cow tattooed on her forehead.

Les: Really. Next is from Lady Alehanra AKA Medusagrrl, hereafter known as Zoë. What's your deepest, darkest secret that no one knows?

Numair: The slaves of corrupt skink pelt and marmoset burger tycoons make my robes.

Lia: Qui-ti, we're trying to keep it PG-13 here. Do you eat yummy potato chips?

Numair: Indeed. They too are made by the slaves of corrupt skink pelt and marmoset burger tycoons.

Les: Qui-ti also asks if you have saggy man-breasts yet.

Numair: Of course not! My slave-made chips keep them at bay.

Lia: Finally, Qui-ti asks if you've ever had sex with Daine while she was shape-changed.

Numair: No. It would have reminded me of the bad Lilane experience when she _was_ a M.G.C.

Lia: Mon o mon! Alannalovingwriter asks why you're always compared to ravens or crows.

Numair: Sometimes feathers get into my slave chips. The slaves are half-raven, half-human. Don't want to know how **that** came about.

Les: And if you're ever going to get married to Daine.

Numair: Maybe. She wants the wedding in January in some "interval plane" so that her parents and her various dead, godly, and immortal friends can come. **I** want it in a balloon made of slave robes.

Lia: …And why you chose a **hawk** to shape-change to.

Numair: Well, I was talking to Volney Rain, and it was before I met Daine, so there was this huge fangirl stampede without a wolf to help me, and my Gift won't work on them, so I calibrated my bibliophile locator…::proceeds to mage-babble for three minutes:: …and I couldn't change into anything else later because of the shock.

Les: Angel of the Storms asks what the hell-

Lia: LES! Don't swear.

Les: It's already PG-13. 

Lia: Ah, _well_…carry on then.

Les: -made you fancy Varice *cough* slut *cough*.

Numair: What can I say? She was worthy of the _Playmage_ centerfold at sixteen.

Lia: No child porn laws in Carthak **or** Tyra, eh? Since I think Numair and Les **are** both pyros, let's ask Les! 

Les: Sure. Fiiire…

Numair: Pretty flames…Fiiire…

Lia: ::southern accent:: Ah see our guests ah all pyros, ah reckon. Fry mah hide!

Les: Not only do I like fire, ::starry eyes:: I also like SOY CHITLINS!

Both: SOY CHITLINS! ::do the Soy Chitlins Inc. ™ Official Soy Chitlins Dance ®::

Lord of the Rings Luver: ::throws pointy-ear paper clips and also does the Soy Chitlins Inc. ™ Official Soy Chitlins Dance ®:: Fry mah hide! Ah have a cameo, ah reckon!

::both hosts put on paperclips::

Les: This was a very short episode-

Lia: SEND/REVIEW QUESTIONS! 

Les: -::glare:: so 

Both: ::sob brokenly::

Les: This is a short episode. Queen of Fluff's questions are our last. Numero uno is "Numair, do you remember our wedding back in April in Sarah's extra bedroom? Well, I am so sorry, darling! I forgot our anniversary!!! *sobs* Forgive me!!!"

Numair: Um… no. Maybe you had one of the Raymonds. ::sees hosts:: Fic stunt doubles. Nine of them- all named Raymond. Oh, THAT wedding? Um… of course not, my dear!

Lia: ::is amused:: Deux is "What does pineapple mean to you"?

Numair: Spiky thing that makes my tongue bleed and tastes good with slave chips and soy chitlins

Les: What do you do in the lavatory?

Numair: EAT! It's cleaner than my rooms, those've got all the _fur_ in them…

Lia: Finally, did you know we went honeymooning in Florida?

Numair: No, but I'll go there again! ::sprints out of shower-curtain tent to Florida::

Les: And now I will go away for a week… and Lia will start singing a never-ending song… then Crazy Girl and I will be back…

Lia: We host, I sing, we go, and it happens again…we host, I sin-

Les: I'M GONNA KILL YOU! ::attempts to strangle Lia, Singer of the Never-Ending TTS Song:: 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hee. Next is the TORTALLAN SUPER EPISODE! ASK ANY TORTALL CHARACTER A QUESTION! It might not be up until '03 because I'M GOING TO NYC! Wish me farewell and you get the Inside Jokes Encyclopaedia (learn about soy chitlins!) for Christmas!

--Lia


	10. Faithful and His Crew Go Fundraising

Author's Note: Alas! I didn't go to NYC…because it was snowing there. Snowing really, **_really_** hard. But…I still get to go in May for my mom's college reunion. Sorry about the two-days-late update; my New Year's resolution is to update on time. Happy New Year! Oh, and I **know** "française" is feminine. It's one of the many inside jokes shortly to be explained.

Reviewers Get Qwarūba Slippers: 

****

Zoë! (Just because **I'm** too lazy to type. ::winks::, ;), whatever)

****

Briar Moss!

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (Actually, Ms. Cleo is being sued by at least four states…)

****

Serpent Mage! (They just want someone to hate. Thayet and Cleon are other examples. It happens in all fangirl-infested fandoms- in LOTR it's Arwen, in ML it's Elspeth…) 

****

Queen of Fluff! (I'm brilliant? Really?)

****

Bluedaizy4! (Um…did you **review**? My spell check likes your name, so I guess you did…)

****

_________! (Dude, I **know**)

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! (I've heard of you…*om om om* you applied for an OFUM spin-off! No, I am not She Whose Bootlaces I Am Unworthy To Lick (AKA: Miss Cam) I just hang around the PPC message boards. I was foaming at the mouth over TTT. Haldir is **only** in _Fellowship_! Faramir is **not** Boromir!)

****

Starlight! (Take a look at my bio and you'll see the Episode Plan)

****

Qui-ti!

****

Not so faerie L!

Emailing People Get Qwarūba Slippers:

****

Queen of Fluff!

Disclaiming People Get Qwarūba Slippers:

Who, you ask, is the owner of Les? Les is.

Who you ask, is the owner of Tortall and all its inhabitants? Tammy is.

Who, you ask, is the owner of "The _____ Show"? Hikaness is.

------------------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

------------------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

------------------------------------------------

Lia: You see, Les, the higher percentage of the fangirl population have strong feelings about a guest, the more reviews we get. Therefore, for optimum reviews, we should feature evil guests with large fangirl contingents. Also, guests from Song of the Lioness and Protector of the Small  generate more reviews than those from The Immortals. So-

Les: So we should have ::drool drool:: JOREN!

Lia: Actually, today we **do** have Joren. Remember? It's the Super Episode!

Les: Whatever. Our guests today are-

Both: ::deep breath:: PLEASE WELCOME KALASIN AND KING SIR DUKE JONATHAN OF CONTÉ, LADY SIR BARONESS ALANNA "THE LIONESS" COOPER OF PIRATE'S SWOOP AND OLAU, FORMERLY TREBOND AND OLAU, BORN LADY ALANNA OF TREBOND, CALLED ALAN OF TREBOND ::gasp for air:: , LADY SIR KELADRY OF MINDELAN, CALLED "PROTECTOR OF THE SMALL", BARON GEORGE COOPER OF PIRATE'S SWOOP, MASTER NUMAIR SALMALÍN, BORN ARRAM DRAPER, LORD SIR WYLDON OF CAVALL, LORD SIR RAOUL OF GOLDENLAKE AND MALORIE'S PEAK, ::gasp again:: DELIA TRAITOR, BORN LADY DELIA OF ELDORNE BUT DIS-ENNOBLED, SIR GARETH OF NAXEN, SQUIRE JOREN OF STONE MOUNTAIN, VARICE KINGSFORD, AND THE CAT OF THE THREEFOLD GODDESS IN HER INCARNATION AS THE MOTHER, CALLED "FAITHFUL".

::gasp:: RLBM!

(the RLBM drag in Kalasin, Jon, Alanna, Kel, George, Numair, Wyldon, Raoul, Delia, Joren, Varice, and Faithful, a.k.a. "the guests")

Guests: Oh…no…not the tent…

Lia: ::evil:: Yes, the tent. The _shower-curtain_ tent.

Les: Shut up. Now, you lot, where do you think you are?

Guests: ….

Les: WELL, you're on THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HORRIBLE SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Guests: ….

Lia: Stop going '….'.

Guests: ….

Les: ::roll eyes:: Alanna! Zoë asks "Do you have a purple stuffed monkey?"

Alanna: No! Of course not! ::shoves purple stuffed arm behind her::

Lia: And "Jon, do you eat mint ice cream?"

Jon: Not unless it has candy-coated popcorn in it. Yuuumm…

Les: And finally, Neal, if you're a father substitute for Raoul.

Neal: Um…no. Mithros, he's old enough to **be** my father!

Lia: Varice, Serpent Mage asks why everybody hates you.

Varice: You know, I really don't know. Sometimes, Thayet, Cleon, and I get together and cry about how everyone hates us. We're starting a Randomly Hated Characters League for all the book-worlds. We already have two new members- Arwen, who's from somewhere she calls "Arda", and somebody else with a really long name. We just call her Elspeth.

Les: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks George why you gave up being a thief, since you had a good thing going for you there.

George: Everyone expected me to rap. I hate rapping. So I left rather than say "Are you down with GEORGE? You aren't? Adios ear! You aren't? Adios head!" one more time.

Lia: H.S.H. also asks Wyldon where your name came from. It sounds like "wyvern" and wyverns are eeeeevil.

Wyldon: "Person Dude" in Scanran it means. Split verbs I am using.

Les: H.S.H. also asks if you **are** eeeeevil.

Wyldon: …maybe?

Lia: Finally, she asks Raoul what, exactly, you and Buri were doing when you and she ran out of your room in almost nothing.

Raoul: ::sarcastic:: Swimming in cheese sauce. What do you **think** we were doing?

Les: Personally, I _don't_ want that mental image. Since I am not the one who declared the 18th of November to be "Silmarillion Day", dressed up as some "Vala", and abandoned Spanish for Quenya, I can't answer that. Lia?

Lia: HALDIR LIVES! SAVE FARAMIR! And I was not "some Vala". I was _Nienna_. Who I also was for TTT! But evil Lei would not carry a handloom to be Vairë. 

Les: Back to the fandom. Starlight asks Kalasin when she discovered her love of Post-Its. 

Kalasin: April 19, 437 H.E..

Lia: She asks Jon what's up with the candy-coated popcorn, and if he can send her some.

Jon: I WUV it. MINE! ALL MINE! 

Les: To Kel, she ponders whether you like anyone.

Kel: No. READ my books! Read them all the way through to the very end, whether or not there's romance. I think LOUD AND CLEAR that I don't want any relationships. And, apparently, unlike Alanna, I don't. The end.

Lia: She asks Gary if he has any secret fetishes.

Gary: Oh, yes! I simply _love_ operettas! 

Les: _Scary_. Delia, do you like life behind bars?

Delia: Why, I _adore_ it! Now all the mice in my cell have their own social hierarchy and names! ::darkly:: I was inspired by Mindelan, you know…

Lia; The sparrows were messed up, I agree. Now we've got Qui-ti.

Les: You don't know what you're missing. Though perhaps you wouldn't _want_ to remember…Raoul, why didn't you just **get changed**?

Raoul: ::wicked grin:: Are you **sure** you want to know?

Lia: On second thought…no. Numair, did you and Daine ever both shape-change to hawks and mate? Did Daine get knocked up and have hawk babies? THAT'S WHERE THE SPARROWS COME FROM, ISN'T IT? ::gasps:: Why do _I_ always have to yell?

Numair: No, no, no. I answered that the **last** time I was on this.

Les: Third, Qui-ti asks Neal why you took the heavy fan if you were really so weak after your Ordeal.

Neal: I was being symbolic! And melodramatic! And it was like an engagement ring! All right, aside from those, for no reason. Are you happy now? Well? ARE YOU? YOU BETTER BE!

Les: Alanna, are your eyes naturally purple?

Alanna: No, they're really red. I wear blue over them to keep from scaring people. Of COURSE they're natural! Hello? GODDESS-CHOSEN HERE? 

Lia: Since Qui-ti was our hundredth reviewer-

Both: THANK YOU QUI-TI!

Lia: -she gets to ask her last question. CHLOROPHYLL!

Qui-ti: Yay! Joren, do you realize you're dead?

Joren: Like, duh! All my fangirls like, keep sobbing about it and stuff. It's _totally_ annoying, y'know?

Qui-ti: No, I don't know! CHLOROPHYLL! ::runs away::

Les: Poor Joren…now we've got QUEEN OF FLUFF! Remember her, everyone? The author of Ask Alanna?

Alanna: Vaguely…wasn't that the one where we had to answer questions? It was like this, but without hosts…I remember you. What's your name again?

Lia: Me? Lia…

Alanna: You were calling yourself Lia of Hill Fort. And you hated Jon, I can't remember why…

Lia: That's right. People? Remember her?

Everyone except the lady knights: …meep.

Kel: Sorry. Fic overload.

Les: I see. She asks Wyldon "why are you bald?"

Wyldon: Well, I breed dogs. And…they like to sit on my head, so I let them. One of them had lice, and there aren't any healers up here…so my wife shaved my head and it never grew back.

Lia: ::flips waist-length hair:: Note to self: never get lice. Gary! When you found out about Alanna's femaleness, were you attracted to her?

Gary: Um…no. It explained some things, though…like "his" recurring fondness for bread dough…

Alanna: ::whacks him:: Quiet.

Lia: Reminds me of that day you mixed FOUR cups of sugar in a pitcher of orange juice and drank it…then you made me give you a FOOT MASSAGE…

Les: ::whacks her:: Quiet. She says "I love you. Marry me. I truly LOOOOVE you!"

Jon: ….no thanks, fangirl #374…

Les: Joren said that too… ::drool::

Lia: Better luck next time. Number four: George, go eat a handful of pins.

George: ::eats handful of pins made out of candy canes::

Les: Alanna, what's your favorite flavor of bubble gum?

Alanna: Raspberry Mint. You take some blue raspberry and some mint and you squash them together.

Lia: I've got to try that sometime…Faithful, we have Mr. Schnookums. If you ever want to see him again, bring 10000 Gold Nobles to the Dancing Dove tonight, along with 3 gallons of lemon flavored vodka. Oh yeah, and a Camaro.

Faithful: NOT MR. SCHNOOKUMS! You lot, come with me! We're goin' FUNDRAISING! ::slinks out::

Guests: ::follow him::

Les: Finally, peace. We have nice, calm mages for the next ten episodes.

Lia: According to my calculations, our reviews will greatly suffer. The Emelan fangirl contingent is much less varied.

Les: I don't care.

Lia: You have to care, for you're the host! The host has to care, so you have to care-

Les: ::gags her:: To Emelan we go!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode started: 1/1/03. Episode finished: 1/4/03. For the next ten episodes, we'll have Emelan guests. Next is DAJA, because she's my favorite. This was really short (only four pages) so REVIEW and E-MAIL for longer episodes. Give me those Daja questions!


	11. The Grapefruit Made Daja Do It

Author's Note: Sorry about the huge delay, but first I was suspended (yeah. Just an in-school, but still. And it was for spitting, too. SPITTING, I tell you), then I had a huge mountain of homework, then I had to fold a megumi (that's a weird origami thing of a circle of cranes. They're supposed to bless people or something, but you need a **lot** of cranes), so… ::rambles:: How d'you like the new name? It should be "ò Rath", but FF.N doesn't like it. If you've got a dash or an accent or whatever (underscore, exclamation, special character) in your name, tell me how you got it to work, pretty please? Sneak peek at my new fic if it works… 

Reviewers in the Sky with Diamonds: 

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (I'm really, really sorry about TUF… did you take it down or did FF.N?)

****

Zoë! 

****

Qui-ti! (Please, **please** tell me how you got the dash! PLE--------EASE!)

****

APersonWhoReadYourFanfic! (Shy much? *g* Look, I used *g*! Look, it's Kirrel! Here's a mini-Stormwing for you, Eve! )

****

Starlight!

****

LadyKnight! (Somehow they can, or there wouldn't be a KCN…)

****

Kel-AKA-LunaDea! (DEA! Thank you so-so-so-so-SO much for letting me write that Elsie thing. It's up, in case you haven't noticed.)

****

Hyacinth AKA Nell! (You'd be forgiven if there were anything to forgive, but your brother isn't. My cat once sat on my keyboard and gave some confused person a review full of gibberish.)

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! 

****

Lord of the Rings luver! (People! Go look at LotR-luver's review to give yourself pointy ears. Soy chitlins are my own insane invention, and (warning: future spoilers ahead in white) they're like chitlins (which, for the record, are disgusting fried pig intestines), but they're made out of soy. This is due to Les and Helen trying to come up with meat that couldn't be replicated in soy/grain/whatever. Les said chitlins, I said soy chitlins, and we all fell down laughing. You had to be there. Mr. Schnookums is a product of either "Ask Alanna" or "Ask Neal", I think _Neal_. Someone threatened to take him away if Neal/Faithful didn't bring her an obscene amount of money. I have ripped off many, many fics in this. The reason is I have a photographic memory and no life.)

****

Buri!

****

Lady Lyra! (Spelling is my pet peeve, so, if you want me to not concuss myself falling from my chair, please retain the "w" in the verb _to write_ and its derivatives.)

Disclaimer in the Sky with Diamonds: 

I own my clothes, not Daja. Tammy owns that, not me.

I own **lots** of Irish music, not Emelan. Tammy owns that too, not me.

I own a *complete* set of Tammy books, not "The _____ Show". Hika owns that, not me.

---------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

Its name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the Rim! Rim! Rim!

------------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

-------------------------------------------

Lia: We have Daja! DAJA! I need to get out my Portable Shrine to All That Is Remotely Daja-Related!

Les: Not _this_ again. Next we'll have "let me recite this excellent poem I found on FF.N about the extreme glory of Daja, Third Ship Kisubo, and everything slightly associated with her. Did I mention I am Daja in two RPGs and my ezboard.com username is Daja Kisubo, that I once tried to make a standee of Daja from an enlarged scan of the cover of her CoM book, and when that failed, I tried to get **four** different bookstores to give me their Cold Fire display cases?" 

Lia: ::setting up huge picture and printed fan-art for Daja Shrine:: What about the time you went to Elfwood for the **sole purpose** of finding a picture of Joren without a shirt, then printed out **all** the Joren pictures you could find? Then when you tried to get Helen and me to help you use glow-in-the-dark paint to paint him on your walls so that you could "always see his extreme beauty"? And then…

Les: Shut up and get the RLBM.

Lia: Yes, Mistress Lesl the Incredibly Picky Gestapo Dingo Joren Fangirl. RLBM!

(RLBM drag Daja in. One of them, let's call him Tim, because that's the Official Tammy Show Random Name, has her staff and a LOT of bruises)

Tim: You want this?

Lia: Yes, yes, GIVE IT TO ME! ::replicates staff with Magical Finger Snap ™ and puts it in her Shrine:: O great Daja, Absolute Best Character of All Time, I am not worthy to be in your most excellent presence…

Daja: Trader and Bookkeeper…

Les: She loves you. Get used to it.

Daja: I want a foot massage and stock options.

Lia: ::creates Flying Grapefruits Inc. and gives Daja the stock options:: I'd give you a massage too, but I'm supposed to be tortur-, um, interviewing you. Guess where you are?

Daja: _Pijule fakol_? But I paid my debts…

Les: No, it's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters and…

Both: FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Daja: Great. I still haven't had a foot massage. ::looks pointedly at Lia::

Lia: Much as I platonically love you, I'm just unable to touch your feet. ::manifests headphones:: And what could he do/about a girl of sixteen/who would die for a banner/white orange and green…

Les: She's dead to the world now. Really, I'm surprised she hasn't died of joy from the combination of you and Irish music…Eve of Mirkwood asks why you massage Frostpine and kiss his head and so on.

Daja: Well, I just don't know…the sheep are lying! The grapefruit made me do it!

Les: ::pokes Lia:: Hi? You alive?

Lia: WHAT? ::takes off headphones:: Oh, yes. Zoë asks if you're with Briar.

Daja: No, that's Moonstream,, Lark, probably about seven girls wherever he currently is…he's a bit of a rake. There's probably an intriguing Tradertalk word for that to make me sound really exotic, but I can't remember it at present.

Les: Yum, Tradertalk…she also asks what you do when you're alone.

Daja: Oh, yes, ask the smith-mage what she does when she's alone…What do you _think_?

Lia: …even I don't know.

Daja: I eat. I need lots of FOOD for all this muscle. 

Lia: Should've guessed. Qui-ti asks how to pronounce your name. DAH-jah, right? Evil person says dah-HAH.

Daja: DAH-jah. I'm not Namornen. Well, not by _birth_, anyway. ::points to large sticker reading "WHINNY IF YOU'RE A TRADER", right next to the "CALLED HER ROSIE- NOSE DONATIONS WELCOME", and "I LIVED WITH BRIAR MOSS FOR FOUR YEARS- AND SURVIVED" ones on staff.::

Les: I still say it's dah-HAH. Buri asks if you feel immensely left out of fics.

Daja: Of course, but I'm **glad** about it. Only two with me main, and one's a Briar/me romance. But then the author decided ::high pitched voice:: "Daja Moss sounds so _icky_! Daja/Kirel forever." As for the other- ::glares at Lia::

Lia: I'm really , really sorry about the show-fic. It was my first ever, not that _that's_ much of an excuse. That's fine with _me_. Isn't Kisubo your ship, though? So it's your clan-name, not your last name. APersonWhoReadYourFanfic asks how you feel about Kirel.

Daja: That's right. I don't much care about him, and my chances of coupling with _anyone_ are about nil due to this lovely lady. ::waves brass hand::

Les: Starlight asks how you liked Ben. ::waves own super-scarred hand:: I feel your pain, not that I _care_.

Daja: ::sighs:: I liked him until I found out about the whole arson thing. Then I wanted to cover him in chocolate and dough taped to his skin and give him to Tris right before her moonlies.

Lia: Bread dough…yummy…LadyKnight was our 120th reviewer, and LunaDea the uber-spiffy was out 121st. So…LadyKnight gets to ask Dea's question! 

LadyKnight: ::skips in:: CLEON IS COOL! Daja, why does your staff have dancing monkeys on it? Is it because you're a dancing monkey?

Daja: No, that's Sandry. Dancing monkeys are the emblems of Third Ship Kisubo. After a deckhand on Second Ship Kisubo ate some old cheese, a dancing monkey appeared and told him to found a ship. Everybody used to think he hallucinated, but we didn't really care. They have a new Third Ship now- I had to go down and bless all the metal. Apparently, some more old cheese appeared.

LadyKnight: HE WAS CLEON! ::skips out::

Les: I'm sure he was. Hyacinth asks if you obsess over fried fish.

Daja: Uv course, guv! Fish an' chips in five!

Lia: …and if Polyam is a mother substitute.

Daja: No, she just read a few too many corny books. My _real_ mother could kick the butt of everyone on Third Ship. ::gets all misty-eyed::

Les: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks if it's a pain to be one of the members of the Circle that seems to get less fics.

Daja: No, I LOVE it. LOVE LOVE LOVE, do you hear me?

Lia: Finally, Qui-ti asks if you like heavy metal?

Daja: No, I like chants. Chants are very Trader-y. ::starts chanting::

Les: Fiddle forever.

Lia: Yes. And IRISH! ::drools::

Les: It's okay, I guess…Last, do you use your metal for a weird clan ritual?

Daja: No, but I will use some now! ::runs out of tent with staff into fanfic-land::

Lia: Daja Kisubo has left the tent. Who has? Daja Kisubo has left the tent. Who has? Daja…

Les: ::gags Lia:: I need better gags. Until next time, folks!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next is Lark! Give me those REVIEWS, folks…less than sixteen days next time, I promise. I have a challenge for everyone: write something about origami in Tortall/Emelan. Mail it, post it, I don't care. ALSO: I really, REALLY read a **ML** beta. Not for TTS, for my "Elsie" fics. You can see my email on my bio. MAIL those questions, but review too! I feed on them, after all.

--Lia


	12. Lark, Called Porcupineyarn

Author's Note: *grinds teeth* I will not beg for reviews, I will not beg for reviews…*breaks down*. People! I cannot write this without questions. I only got **twenty-two** for this chapter, from seven question reviews and **no** email. I can't write without at least five questions, and I only do all of someone's questions if they hit the cameo mark. I can't do more than two questions from each review, and I flat out can't use some of the questions. TTS relies on **you**.

Reviewers Living On Spun Sugar:

****

Lady Lyra! (Spell as badly as you want, just pleeeeeeeeeeease don't drop your Ws.)

****

Hyacinth! (Those things are heavy. Your…_little raspberry_?)

****

Starlight!

****

Qui-ti! (Well, FF.N doesn't like even a dash, let alone "ò")

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (Whilst Cam has a right to her ideas, it does seem she was overreacting.)

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! (Scary person…no, it's The Tammy Show)

****

Queen of Fluff! (::wipes away a tear:: In eight episodes.)

****

Scribler! (A new comrade in hyperness!)

****

Ladyknight! (And a returning one as well.)

Disclaimers Live On Spun Sugar:

I don't own Lark! WHEEEEEEEEE! Tamora Pierce does!

I don't own Emelan! WHEEEEEEEEE! Tamora Pierce does!

I don't own Les! WHEEEEEEEEE! She does!

-------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

---------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

---------------------------------------

Lia: ::rubbing temples:: I'm next to out of a job. You could **ski** on that line.

Les: Such are the perils of customer control. But this says our ratings should go up…

Lia: They all love Rosie. I mean, Numair was good, so were Daine, Joren, and Neal…but Lark? Time for her, by the way…

Les: Lessgo. Ladies, gentlemen, and rap artists, please welcome DEDICATE LARK! RLBM!

(Random Large Burly Men come in, with Lark somewhat absent)

RLBM 1: ::scratches head:: Ma'am, the guest is covered in marshmallow fluff.

Lia: I care about this because…why?

RLBM 2: You asked that all marshmallow fluff be served with peanut butter to Ma'am Les.

Les: Scrap that! BRING ME GREEN T-SHIRTS! AND WRAP LARK IN THEM!

(Lark enters, wrapped in green t-shirts)

Lark: ::picking at fabric:: What a bad weave. ::makes shirts fly apart:: Now, where am I?

Lia: It's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS!

Lark: Do you have Altoids?

Les: Yes, actually. Have one. ::offers Altoid::

Lark: ::magics thread of one of the shirts and steals Altoid box:: Why, thank you.

Les: MMPH- ::has Lia's Super Handy Spare Ball Gag ™ in mouth::

Lia: Hyacinth asks "Did you get to pick your name like Rosethorn did hers? And if you did, why did you choose a BIRD, not anything remotely connected with weaving?"

Lark: I _did_ get to pick my name. It's actually Porcupineyarn, but there was a clerical mistake. In the end, someone called Tea who wanted to be Lark became Porcupineyarn, and I'm Lark. They won't change it back.

Les: And "Do you cry at night in darkened rooms because you're all alone and no one loves you?"

Lark: DID SANDRY TEL- no! ::twitch:: Of course ::twitch:: not.

Lia: I DON'T BELIEEEEEEEEVE YYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!

Les: Actually, I don't either. And how am I talking with a ball gag in my mouth?

Lia: ::mysterious:: _Nobody knows_… except the HATCHET LADY SQUIRRELS! And they'll eat you, so I don't really recommend asking them. Starlight asks if your life was really boring before the Circle came along.

Lark: Yes, it was. I have these pressed leaves in my album that I picked every time Rosethorn started singing. It was incredibly funny…but then I would die.

Les: ::raised eyebrow:: Really. Qui-ti asks why you're so afraid of cheese.

Lark: THE CHEESE! THE CHEESE IS COMING TO DESTROY US ALL! ::cowers::

Lia: …and what made you so afraid of cheese.

Lark: Well, one day I was walking along a path, and then I saw a person made of CHEESE with LarK written on them. Then LarK started melting, and…

(17 minutes later)

Lark: And that's why I'm afraid of cheese. So is Comas!

Les: :cracks one eye open:: I get the impression he's afraid of everything. LIA!

Lia: Is she _done_ now?

Les: It seems to be so.

Lia: DUDE! Hayden's Super Hobbit asks "Have you ever attacked a random and innocent, yet scarily threatening pedestrian with threads of rope spelled to send out big blasts of fire...just because you felt like it?"

Lark: Hasn't everyone?  
Les: I have…but Lia hasn't. She's deprived. Poor Lia. ::pats Lia on the head::

Lia: You have issues. Starlight also asks how long you've known Rosethorn.

Lark: Thirty-seven years, four months, and two days.

Les: Ladyknight asks if you like paper clips.

Lark: I love them! They're the best things since carded wool. See, I have this folio of paper clip literature-

Lia: Really, you don't need to. Our last question is also from ladyknight. How many cartwheels can you do in a row?

Lark: FORTY-TWO! ::cartwheels out the door::

Les: People, we're next to unwritten. Pick up a charity case- ask a question, laugh at Lia's song she's NOT going to sing- ::glares::

Lia: You always thought it was the biggest crossover- but it's not! But it's not! Because it's called The Tammy Show…you always though it was the biggest crossover- but it- MMPH! ::is gagged by Les::

Les: Laugh at it anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: Rosethorn is next. E-mailing me is good. Reviewing is okay. Sending it to me via carrier pigeon is okay. Just ask a question? Please?

--Lia


	13. Rosethorn Can't Survive Without Peppermi...

Author's Note: ::cackle:: Kept you waiting, didn't I, my pretties? I see many updates in the future…I also see my obnoxious cousin Orion (yes, that's actually his name, he's five and has a degree in being annoying) in the future…and my uncle, Fred, and his girlfriend…who seems incapable of shutting up for a change…

Point is that the only way to escape them is to lock myself in my room. You get another update **very** soon if I get enough questions. ;) Record-breaking review numbers last chapter. Have a malt-covered strawberry, reader mine. ::gives::

Malt-Covered Strawberries for Reviewers:

****

Hyacinth! (Ah, strep…a friend of mine (no, not Les) messed up her foot for the fourth time a week or two ago.)

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (The fonts, the fonts, they steal my email, for I see this message not…)

****

Tp fan! (I sincerely hope that 'tp' stands for Tamora Pierce. Sorry, you'll have to wait seven episodes.)

****

Panda Perky! (Mmmm…sushi…nice name…no. I'll indulge myself here: TRIIIIIIIIIIIIS/BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAR!)

****

Mage Kitty! 

****

Scribler! (For plot purposes, the characters are kidnapped after their last book ends, about three years. Can you give me a book ref for Rosie's age?)

****

Serpent Mage! (Spooky…)

****

Starlight! 

****

Ladyknight! (Dedicates.)

****

Hayden's Super Hobbit! (And coal…and fabric…and pretty much everything…)

****

Angel Wings! (Unless you were formerly _Angel of the Storms_, I don't think you've ever reviewed before.)

****

Buri! (For the record, I'm the only person writing TTS. Les, as far as I know, is unaware of its existence. Thankfully, as she would kill me if she ever found out.)

****

Aimee! (Funny, I was almost named Aimee…but I was also almost named Billy-Bob. Yeah. ::shrug::)

****

Stormy Phoenix! (BMI with that name…)

****

Lord of the Rings luver! (No reason, but why, with your SN, are you reading in the Tammy fandom?)

Malt-Covered Strawberries for Pub People:

****

Caitlin! (Read a Rosie/Lark once. Was disturbed. AHAHAHA!)

****

Riona!

****

Lemonly!

****

Carbon-Based Biped! (Fanboys are even more of an endangered species here in 392.)

Malt-Covered Strawberry Disclaimers:

Oh tell me, tell me, own you Rosethorn? 

No, that's Tamora Pierce.

Oh tell me, tell me, own you Emelan?

No, hers too.

Oh tell me, tell me, own you Les?

No, she's hers.

---------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

------------------------------------

Les: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I KNEW IT!

Lia: Shut up. We're on. Making jokes about new fangirls is bad, except if I'm making them.

Les: Yes, oh mighty ruler of all.

Lia: Thank you. Wrong fandom, in any case. No point-eared people running about slaying their kin and then making a huge deal about it.

Les: Not a _lot_, anyway. And, ma'mie, the guest needs on.

Lia: True. Ladies, gentlemen, and sentient socks, please welcome…

Both: DEDICATE ROSETHORN, FORMERLY KNOWN AS NIVA! RANDOM LARGE BURLY MEN!

RLBM: ::stagger out with Rosethorn, rather impeded by large vines binding them:: 

RLBM 1: Urgh…::keels over::

Rosethorn: ::dusts hands:: That was easy. Are you the girls that kidnapped Lark?

Lia:…did we just try to surprise Rosethorn?

Les: ::faint:: I think so.

Lia: Remind me to- 

Rosethorn: ::interrupting:: not do that again? Good idea. Now, aren't you going to ask me where I think I am?

Les: Yes. What d'you think this is?

Rosethorn: A tent.

Lia: True, but it's _also_ THE TAMMY SHOW, where Les and Lia kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Rosethorn: That's pretty much what Lark said.

Lia: Ah, _Lark_…::looks at Les:: A little **too** close, mayhap?

Les: ::smirk:: Indeed.

Rosethorn: Green Man, I've had better insinuaters than you two try to insinuate that. No.

Lia: Back on the subject, Hyacinth asks, "Did you ever fall passionately in love with Chimbo the Talking Pie?"

Rosethorn: How did you find out I did? Oh, Chimbo, what did I do to have you stalk me? He would always call me from bakeries…

Les: Really. She also asks "And then did you eat him because of his calorie-infested lip-smacking goodness, and regret it afterwards when you got cavities and an enormous stomachache?"

Rosethorn: No. He walked in my garden. No one walks in my garden. ::evil eye::

Lia: I'll make sure to never walk in your garden…::shiver::

Rosethorn: That would be an _excellent_ idea.

Les: Eve of Mirkwood was our 140th reviewer! Eve!

Eve of Mirkwood: ::runs on:: ::rubs hands together evilly:: Are you afraid of cheese like Porcupineyarn, AKA Lark, is?

Rosethorn: No, I'm afraid of apple cider. Can't…sleep…cider will get me…can't sleep…cider will get me…

Lia: I never thought to see Rosie brought so low…

Rosethorn: ::snapping out:: No. One. Calls. Me. ROSIE!

Eve of Mirkwood: ROSIE! ::runs off::

Lia: Lark does. And she just did.

Rosethorn: Lark doesn't count. She's obviously like you two.

Lia: What, insane?

Rosethorn: I was thinking more along the lines of "lock me up so I can't hurt myself", but that'll do…

Les: MOVING ON…Panda Perky asks if you're secretly a sushi chef.

Rosethorn: How did you find- I mean, NO! Of course no! Whatever gave you that idea?

Lia: …and what you would do if there was no one left to gripe about…

Rosethorn: Gripe to my plants, about my other plants. Always plants!

Les: And finally, if you've ever hung someone in the well.

Rosethorn: Many times, but then Moonstream made me stop because it was bad for the water.

Lia: Mage Kitty asks if you've ever tricked anyone into walking a path surrounded by plants that you can't escape for 652 centuries?

Rosethorn: No, but I'll have to do that sometime…

Les: I like the number 652…Serpent Mage asks if you're related to her mother, whose maiden name is Thorne, first name is Rosemary, and has lots of plants.

Rosethorn: Maybe. I have a second cousin once removed named Rosemary. I haven't seen her in twenty years, though…

Lia: My great-great-aunt Laura is a hundred-four! Starlight asks what you were like as a child.

Rosethorn: I was the evil bane of anyone who crossed me. So, really, the same as I am now.

Les: She also asks what it was like dying.

Rosethorn: There were lots of people who wanted to measure my tongue so they could give me a speech impediment. They smelled like rye.

Lia: I hate rye bread. Ladyknight asks why you picked Rosethorn as a name, instead of just Thorn.

Rosethorn: Well, Lark was all depressed about the whole "Porcupineyarn" thing- never knew why she wanted that- and she said that I would need to have some kind of name that people could use to draw analogies to my personality with. I believed her, but that was the **last** time I followed her advice when she was emotional. 

Les: For some reason, ladyknight also feels the urge to know what your favorite color is.

Rosethorn: …green?

Lia: HA! Pay up, Lesl!

Les: I hate you. ::flips eyelids::

Lia: ::rapt:: I love watching people do that. Rosie!

Rosethorn: Never call me that again. What?

Lia: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks if you find it disturbing that some people like fire, which burns plants?

Rosethorn: Not really…the kinds of plants I grow don't burn very well. I know _that_, at least, for a fact- Daja accidentally burned a bit of my garden once.

Les: Fiiiiiiire…

Lia: Daaaaja…

Les: ::snaps into 'reality':: Lia, wake up.

Lia: Wha'?

Les: Thank you. Buri asks "Is there some inside joke about the hanging in the well thingie?"

Rosethorn: Sort of. Henna was hanging about my garden and generally poking at my plants, and then she called me Rosie…so I hung her in the well. And Lark never forgot it, so I never bothered to either.

Lia: Trés amusant… she also asks "do you EVER get tired of fics proclaiming that you and that stuck-up-Crane-IDIOT are madly in love and completely oblivious until you coincidentally meet up in some anonymous orchard?"

Rosethorn: Very tired. Almost as much as the boy is about the ones with him and Sandry. Though not as much as I am about the Lark-and-me ones. I plan to skin the writers of those, then hang them in the well.

Les: ::sighs:: _So_ predictable. Aimee asks if you would rather die or spend one week alone with Crane?

Rosethorn: As awful as Crane is, dying was worse. The week with Crane- I could kill him and make it look like an accident.

Lia: That's pretty hard…Caitlin's pertinent question is "You grew all of those plants, right? So... was there anything illegal in there? Be honest. I mean, you had to have the willowbark tea for something. Out with it!"

Rosethorn: No! Well…except the peppermint…but that has to be the worst law ever…and who can live without peppermint?

Les: Peppermints…Lemonly shouts "^__^ HI ROSIE! *glomp* Didja know you're uber-spiffy? BECAUSE YOU ARE! YAAAAY!"

Rosethorn: Why do you people call me Rosie so much? Yes, I did. I definitely did. 

Lia: GO PUB! ::cheers:: Carbon-Based Biped pokes you and asks if you eat chocolate.

Rosethorn: Yes. Choooooocolate…no poking or I'll hang you in the well. 

Les: Go chocolate. Riona asks "What exactly is going on between you and Lark? You two were MAAAAAAAADE for each other!"

Rosethorn: NOTHING! REALLY! We're just friends!

Lia: And I'm a flying pig named Elvis.

Les: Hi, Elvis!

Lia: Quiet, you. Caitlin has one last question. What's "going on" with you and Crane? Does he know about you and Lark? Does Lark know about you and Crane?

Rosethorn: That's three questions. The second: he can't because there is no "Lark and I". The first: I'm going to hang him in the well. The third: I'm going to go have her get me some rope. Right now, in fact. ::runs out of tent, with vines bearing her away::

Les: Ah, Rosethorn…she goes. The vines messed up the floor, though.

Lia: When vines mess up your floor, what do you do? You eat a peach! When vines mess up your floor, what do you do? You eat a peach and a plum! When vines mess up your floor, what do you do? You eat a peach, a plum, and an app- ::cut off by Les's hand on her mouth::

Les: Do we have a well around here somewhere?

-------------------------------------

Questions now accepted at the Pub, too! ! 'Tis very spiffy. The next guest is… BRIAR MOSS! Yes, all you fangirls, that's right. Email, post, review! We're trying for ten pages!

--Lia


	14. Briar is a Victim of Mr Fluffy

Author's Note: Sooner than the last one, but a week and day late. Have decided that TTS will stop at Episode 35, with Lia and Les as guests. Ripping Hika off again, I know…I can be swayed with reviews, possibly. ;)

Reviewers Through Rose-Colored Glasses:

****

Lady Sandrilene! (AHAHAHAHAHA!)

****

Gina! (Yes, I do. Flattered.)

****

Shorti! (Here you are.)

****

Eve of Mirkwood! (You might have never sent it…_send _ it this time; nobody emailed)

****

Manga Gurl! (Joy to TTS/OOCness is here/Lia received her prize/)

****

Superalicea! (No, I just grabbed it off the shelf, remembered it was in "Falling", and looked up the page. I could contest you on that; it seems that Kel will never have a truly long-term relationship)

****

Alasse Carnesir!

****

Warrame! (You people are just so nice…::wipes tears::)

****

Dea! (YOU GO!)

****

Kid in a Quilt! (Another new comrade in hyperness!)

****

Starlight!

****

Angel of Flames! (Nice name. Fiiiiiiiiiire…)

****

Fireblade! (You're all pyros. Welcome to the club.)

****

Jiane Skydancer! (All the cool SNs…I feel _so_ inadequate…)

Disclaimer Through Rose-Colored Glasses:

Oh, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own Briar! He's Tammy's! Hey!

Oh, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own Emelan! It's Tammy's too! Hey!

Oh, I don't own, I don't own, I don't own Les! She's hers! Hey!

-------------------------------------------

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

---------------------------------------------

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

---------------------------------------------

Lia: I like pi.

Les: Not _again_...I know you like pi. I also really don't care, so can you **shut up**?

Lia: Nope! 3.141592 pi! It's not pastry…it's not apple…it's pi! Pi! The letter! The irrational number! Piiiiiiiii! 

Les: You'll be the death of me.

Lia: ::mystical:: No…a rosebush will kill you…

Les: That's very nice. **I**! **Don't**! **Care**!

Lia: Spiff. We have a guest soon, you know.

Les: No, actually, I didn't. We're still on Emelan, right? 

Lia: M-hmm. It's _Briar_.

Les: Let me guess. Two cameos.

Lia: No, but quite a few questions. Time to 'ave at 'im. It's none other than-

Both: BRIAR MOSS, GREEN MAGE, ALSO KNOWN AS ROACH!

Les: RLBM…

RLBM: ::haul on Briar, all somewhat cut up and covered in vines, and hand him over **very **eagerly::

Briar: Nice place you have.

Lia: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Just in case Rosie hasn't told you, guess where you are.

Briar: A tent.

Les: You're the closest yet. It's THE TAMMY SHOW, where Lia and Les kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*

Briar: Oh, _that_.

Lia: Yes, _that_. Lady Sandrilene- no, she's not Sandry fa Toren- asks, "How many times have you been threatened by a hanging in the well?"

Briar: An exact number? I lost count around six thousand eighty…

Les: **Well**. What's your opinion of all the fics with you/Tris, you/Sandry, you/Rosethorn, and you/male?

Briar: Wha'? Sorry, I've gotten fic-blinded. They're all lookalikes. Coppercurls-

Lia: I love that name.

Briar: -and Sand are my sisters. Rosethorn is just...wrong. _How_ do you people come up with these things?

Les: ::snick:: Sand. I _like_ it. Gina declares, "Wouldn't it be a good plot twist if you were gay?"

Briar: No.

Lia: I disagree. You should be. I could pair you with Crane!

Briar: Get _away_ from me.

Lia: NEVER! She also asks if you like crisps made of vegetables.

Briar: Yes, as long as I didn't grow the vegetables myself. Even then, I'd eat them. Vegetables are boring.

Les: I'll second you on that. ::sticks "Bonsai Forever" bumper sticker on Briar:: Here. 

Lia: We now have an Illegal Emelanian Hot Guys Network, Gina. Briar, do you know anything?

Briar: Yes. Can't send you Pasco or me; we're running it. Comas is up, and he says there aren't any interfering vows with Living Circle. We're rounding up dedicates for it.

Les: Shorti asks if you like cottage cheese and strawberry milkshakes.

Briar: I like cottage cheese…and strawberry cream, yes…but it combination? I think _not_.

Lia: Eve of Mirkwood-

Les: Wasn't she on last time for 140?

Lia: She was. Eve, can I have some of your incredible luck? Well, Eve was our 160th reviewer. Eve?

Eve: Whoa-hey! I've been…um…hiding behind the stage. You have really tasty insulation, did you know that? Briar! Does the girl from "The Ring" come out of your TV/seeing devices/etc. and try to take you home?

Briar: Yes. She's scaaaaaaaaaaaaary…almost as scary as Rosethorn…

Eve: Spoot. Now I can't. ::goes off, chewing on a piece of insulation::

Les: We need new insulation now. _Poisoned_ insulation.

Lia: Be nice. Manga Gurl asks if Rosethorn has ever fulfilled her many threats.

Briar: No, except the one about the stem ticks. 

Les: What stem ticks?

Briar: She threatened to make me pick them all off the plants without killing any. It took two days.

Lia: And I thought taking off the caterpillars was hard…

Les: Enough. She also asks if Daja's ever hit you with her staff.

Briar: Yes, frequently. It's _hard_!

Lia: You deserved it. Priestess of the Storm asks if you hate cats.

Briar: I do, and with good reason. A cat bit my ear when I was a baby, and a bit never grew back. I have a notch in my ear, and it's all Mr. Fluffy's fault.

Les: Well, victim, Alasse Carnesir says hello.

Briar: …hey?

Lia: HOWDY! No, actually, I didn't. Warrame asks if you hated living with all the girls.

Briar: It was annoying at times…like, say, when they were washing their hair…apparently, it's impossible to do that _in the baths_. Standing outside, alone, and shouting to ask when I could come in was not fun.

Les: Well, maybe they washed it in the baths but needed to wash it again. Dea, who goes, asks if a train was speeding to Baltimore at sixty kilometers an hour, and the engineer was a rabid monkey named Mr. Beens, do you support Briar/Sandry?

Briar: If I was Mr. Beens, yes. If I was me, no. She's my sister! My _sister_!

Lia: Yes. Go with Tris instead.

Briar: No, she's my sister too.

Lia: So? Kid in a Quilt asks what you do to herbicidal maniacs.

Briar: Tattoo their hands. Black vines, black flowers- they're never in a nursery again.

Les: …and if you've ever taken anything from the girls' rooms.

Briar: Yes. From Sandry, a spindle- she made all my shirts unravel. Tris lost a pen, then I fried in my room for two straight weeks. A lump of brass from Daja and my doorknob melted.

Lia: Don't mess with mage-girls. Starlight asks if you like any of the girls, and what your thoughts are on S/B, T/B, and D/B.

Briar: No, **they're my sisters.** All are twisted! TWISTED, I tell you! Though D/B is the most twisted.

Les: We like T/B.

Briar: ::cursing in several languages:: I will _never_ understand you people.

Lia: Good, we don't either.

Les: Angel of Flames asks if you like Tris or Sandry better.

Briar: Tris, but don't tell her or Sandry.

Lia: COPPERCURLS! COPPERCURLS!

Les: ::makes note to tell Tris and Sandry:: She also asks if there's anything going on between you and Evvy.

Briar: No, as I said, "prettier, fatter, and _older_". She's three years younger than I am, and the cats are unforgivable. One of them gave birth on my mage-robes. 

Lia: Fireblade asks if you're secretly attracted to Rosethorn.

Briar: No, she's with Lark. Not to mention that **she's my foster-mother**.

Les: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! 

Lia: And I did, too, but I'm the half-sane one at the moment. Jiane Skydancer asks if you like roaches, since Roach was your gang name.

Briar: No, actually. I have some...unpleasant…roach memories. The Thief-Lord picked the name, not me.

Les: Finally, she asks if tomatoes and pumpkins are vegetables or fruit.

Briar: I think they're fruit, but I'll go ask Rosethorn! ::vine slides out of tent with Briar clinging to it::

Les: Mmph…half the Circle's done. It'll be nice when Emelan is over…

Lia: Tortall, Emelan, Tortall, Emelan, which one to choose? Pi, square root two, pi, square two, which one? Pi! 3.141592…! What else is there to say? Just the rest of PI! PI! 3.141…::cut off::

Les: ::fist gagging Lia:: I'm scarred for life.

--------------------------------------------------------

Pi is spiffy. 3.141592…Next guest is Sandry! The Lady Sandrilene fa Toren…just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Email, review, carrier pigeon- mail the questions, but remember to review!

--Lia


End file.
